Grab your shoddily carved pumpkins; it’s Halloween – everyone’s favourite excuse to threaten homeowners with undeserved mischief.
We know there’s a lot to think about on All Hallows Eve, so we’ve consulted our in-house astrologer (me) to look to the stars for Halloween fortunes.
So, whichever era Michael Jackson or Bruce Jenner you choose to dress as, you can be safe knowing how your night will pan out, and if you need to take preventative action.
You’ve made a big mistake recently. You might not know what it is, but you need to face up to it in order to have an enjoyable evening of spook-filled antics. You know what they say – a problem shared is a problem halved – so confide in someone you trust enough not to turn your private life into a meme. Remember, your night ruler is Mars, so heed this warning or risk waking up in a field with vague, dreamlike memories of metallic surfaces and probing.
Go for something futuristic on your feet to curry favour with your abductors, we recommend the Air Max Thea in Metallic Silver.
Let go of the past my horned friends, there’s nothing you can do about it now. Bear in mind, though, that the future is dark and full of terrors – it is Halloween after all. Combat this with a Game of Thrones themed costume, but give us all a break and go for something off the beaten track. No one wants to see another Jon Snow or Mother of Dragons. Dress up as a little finger and have everyone in-the-know laughing at your ingenuity.
Shoe-wise, you don’t want anything distracting from your small digit get-up, so go for something all black like the Air Max 95 Ultra Essential. It also means you can be all sneaky for your covert scheming. I see you Petyr Baelish you little snake.
Today is the day you make amends for the time you and your twin sister creeped everyone out at the Overlook Hotel back in ’74. Dig out those blue frilly dresses from the attic and give fellow revellers the joy of seeing an authentic slice of atmospheric terror. As an air sign, you Gemini’s excel at abstract reasoning so it shouldn’t be too hard explain the fact you’re a character from a horror novel for the other 364 days of the year, too. If no one believes you, turn up to their flat and fill the corridors with blood – that’ll show ‘em.
Go for a fresh pair of Converse to complete your 70’s childhood vibe.
A bigger workload than normal looks to scupper your plans, but you Crabs are too resourceful to let this stand in your way. A voice from your past holds the answer to everything – It’s the voice you used to hear when you got kicked out of school for setting fire to a skip. Kill two birds with one stone by dressing up as a firefighter, including fully-functional extinguisher – you’re a water sign after all. That way, you can at least look like you’re helping put out fires instead of… well, you know.
Go for a Timberland 6-inch boot to be as all-action as the voices require you to be.
Don’t rush things this Halloween; the position of Neptune gives you the patience of a saint. Let’s hope you reach sainthood, too - a trip to A&E for a minor toe injury is set to take a turn for the satanic. Without giving too much away, the alignment of the planets looks like a midwife will be taking delivery of the anti-Christ, but I can’t be sure. It’s not an exact science, this horoscope stuff. Anyway, take plenty of holy water wherever you end up, and be wary of foot injuries. And freshly-birthed children.
Go for an all-white Air force 1 to protect your toes, and drive home your saintly credentials.
Hold tight, Virgos – shit’s about to get hectic. Everyone you know will be losing their heads this evening, so whether you’re the sensible one in your group of friends or not, you’re going to need to stay calm when heads begin to roll. If you’re feeling cautious, cancel your plans at the guillotine exhibition – it’s better than getting it in the neck for organising something historically accurate and therefore boring.
Sneaker-wise, the position of the Moon says you need a pair of winterised Air Max 90 Ultra Mid – they're easier to clean blood off.
Something is eating up one of your nearest and dearest, so find the time to sit them down and have a heart to heart. Turns out things are the other way around – your mate has developed a real taste for human flesh and is literally eating up the people in closest proximity to them. They’re looking pretty peaky, too. As a Libra, you have a strong sense of justice, so find a diplomatic solution to the problem: put a muzzle on your friend and take them to a party with you. Why should they miss a night out they’ve been waiting for all year?
Go for an adidas Originals Iniki Runner to stay light on your feet in case the muzzle slips off.
You’ve been polluting your mind with negative thoughts recently, and with Jupiter now lost in the Sun’s glare the question seems to be: what’s the point? Indeed, there isn’t one. Pollution in the real world will see a very real and fatal spike – nuclear winter is coming. Make like your namesake and build some kind of exoskeleton capable of surviving high levels of radiation and mutated cockroaches. How? I don’t know, I’m an astrologist, not an engineer.
Go for The Nike Hyperdunk in Volt to blend in to your irradiated surroundings.
There’s a chance for new love on the horizon, which is all you deserve to be honest. Your partner will drive you up the wall with constantly getting out of bed to stand in the corner of the room chanting something in a foreign language. Bet you wish you never recommended DuoLingo to them now. You may be a natural risk taker, but it’s probably not the best idea to wait this one out and see what happens. You deserve a good night’s sleep anyway, so tell them to stop being weird or they’re getting the boot.
Throw on a pair of EQT’s to show them you only need the essentials in life, and a possessed girlfriend/boyfriend does not fall into that category.
The moon is your night ruler, and will be a strong influence on your evening activities. Sensing opportunity, your determination (classic Capricorn) will see new career prospects come from the unlikeliest of places. A chance encounter at the fair makes you realise your dream of running away with the circus. You’ve always been hilarious, and now, as part of a marauding troop of clowns, you’re finally getting the credit you deserve. Hang on though; has your nose always been this red? And when did your feet get so big? Stop smiling, it’s creepy. Seriously.
Wear your favourite pair of Vans while you still can, soon they won't fit.
You could say this is the dawning of the age of Aquarius, but that would be a cheap reference to get into a horoscope. In reality, a taste of your own medicine – good or bad – is the order of the day. The fact you make your own medicine is pretty strange, so it’s only right you trial it to check for adverse side effects. Fast-forward 6 hours and you’re naked in a ditch with the taste of blood in your mouth. Were you howling at the nearly-full moon earlier, or was that a fever dream? One thing’s for certain, rhetorical questions aren’t what you need right now. Get yourself home for a shower and a cuppa and you’ll be right as rain.
Wear Silver Bullets, just in case.
Pisces, let your mind be at peace today, for the future is filled with a calmness you never thought possible. A new relationship with an old friend is the catalyst; their new hobby, tarot card reading, the root of your future serenity. Again, I don’t want to be too specific, but the way the solar system is lining up looks like your ‘friend’ will turn you into a goldfish, forever cursed to swim around a bowl in their caravan. Still, swimming around with a 2 second memory is probably pretty relaxing, so it’s not all bad. If this isn’t the future you envision for yourself, get in touch with a Cancer, I’ve heard they’re pretty keen on burning things.
On your feet, go for a slider - you're going to spend a lot of time in the drink.
If you’re not convinced by the power of astrology now, you never will be. Open your eyes, people.