Sure, trainers are cool, but do you know what’s cooler? Roasted food. The hallowed Christmas dinner is something we take very seriously, and for good reason. Statistics compiled by British Turkey suggest that the average Christmas dinner chef puts in 3.3 hours of graft per meal, developing their recipe and working method over 4 Christmases. That’s 13.2 hours (quick mafs) to perfect the best meal of the year.
As one the finest representations of festive unity you’re likely to see this Christmas season, we’ve pulled together to conduct a Footasylum-wide poll to answer the age-old question once and for all: what’s the best part of Christmas dinner?
Unsurprisingly, the oft-maligned tiny cabbages bring up the rear. Evidently no amount of sautéing with bacon and chestnuts can save the sprout from its fate: delicious to few, a necessary evil to most. Chin up, Brussels.
Second loser is a root veg held in high regard in the wider culinary world – it just goes to show how tough this competition is. The domestic Carrot has come in at 9th place - if you listen closely enough, you can hear the Netherlands softly weeping.
Parsnips everywhere rejoice at getting one over on their sweeter, better-looking cousin. A true underdog story, fans across the globe were thrilled to follow this pasty root veg from soiled tuber to honey-roasted carrot beater.
Surprising to see everyone’s favourite carb paste so far down the list, but again, competition is fierce. Mild controversy rocked the polls this afternoon as Bodger and Badger’s failed plot to rig the voting was unearthed. Woodland creatures across the UK hang their heads in shame.
Topping the bottom half of the table is Christmas stuffing. It seems stuffing will never break free of its design - here filling the gap between the best and the worst dinner components rather than the cavity of a roasted bird.
The best brown liquid the human civilisation has ever produced.
‘What about Coke?!’ you yell from the stands, ‘what about Dandelion and Burdock?’ ‘Pipe down you philistine’ I gurgle through a mouthful of meat juice. A well-deserved 5th place.
4th: Yorkshire Pudding
In some circles, Yorkshire puddings are not deemed traditional at Christmas – these pudding purists argue the rightful place for the pride of Yorkshire is with beef dinners only. These people are objectively wrong. Why on earth would you omit something so delicious from a meal celebrating a baby who could turn water into wine? A meal that is the culinary embodiment of goodwill to all men? A meal that, as previously stated, takes 13 hours to perfect? You wouldn’t, and you won’t. Take that, naysayers.
3rd : Roast Potatoes
I think it’s only fair to give an honorary mention to our mate Goose Fat, harbinger of seductive golden-brown coatings. But let this take nothing away from the humble potato - a Sunday dinner stalwart and genuine piece of British history. No podium finish has ever been more deserved. The question remains: is this Footasylum’s favourite way to consume potatoes? That’s a debate for another time.
The world record fastest time to carve a turkey is 3 min 19.47 sec, achieved by Paul Kelly of Kelly Turkeys at Little Claydon Farm, Essex, UK, on 3 June 2009. An impressive feat, but world records have no power here. 2nd place will have to do. Gobble, gobble.
1st: Pigs In Blankets
As the old adage goes: you can’t put lipstick on a pig, but you can roll it in blankets. It comes as no surprise that pigs wrapped in pigs have won the illustrious crown of most coveted component of Christmas dinner 2018. If Pigs in blankets could speak, they’d be oinking all the way to the bank – they’ll have brand deals coming out of their ears with the impending media coverage.
So there it is. The definitive answer to the most pertinent question of the season. Here’s one to ponder over the rest of the day: What’s the best thing to do with Christmas leftovers?
Answers on a postcard please.